HONORED to have been asked to participate in Caroline Beidler’s SUMMER SOBER series over at Circle of Chairs. thank you for asking me to write, Caroline! kept my eyes and ears open during a rather sublime, unnerving, and treacherous life change.
and if you are interested in starting your own substack or writing about hard things, i can help you with that.
Often God shuts the door in our face, and then subsequently opens the door through which we need to go.
-Catherine Marshall
DAY 917
it’s cute, when i have a plan. if i’ve learned anything, it’s that my plan is not nearly as expansive or interesting or bonkers as what the universe has in store for me.
when i first hit rock bottom back in December 2021, I moved back into my childhood home, ended an engagement, and got stone-cold sober… that certainly had not been the plan. what happened to getting married to my using buddy in New Orleans? what happened to living out the ~*~ Brooklyn ~*~ fantasy, smoking weed compulsively to the point of vomiting daily, and calling that fun?
luckily, god (higher power, universe, Elvis, or whatever you call it) did for me what i could not do for myself. and after a panic attack in an Alabama gas station, i surrendered.
i have been counting days ever since.
since December 22, 2021, i’ve been a member of the SOBER NO MATTER WHAT club. and so when the universe presented the option to move to Minnesota this summer, my gut told me, “Say yes.”
if i was going to drive 1,926 miles from Los Angeles to Minneapolis, how the eff was i going to stay sober?
i used to pride myself on not having a routine. how cute am i, i thought. i can do anything i want WHENEVER i want.
but from day 0 to day 917, my routine has kept me sane, stable, and sober.
what would happen when i disrupted my routine? the meetings i love, each diligently attended with service commitments to boot, no longer within driving distance?
How I Stayed Sober on a Cross Country Road Trip:
KEEP IT SIMPLE: I maintained the aspects of my routine that I could: Morning pages, reading 12-step literature, and meditation. Daily gratitude lists. Duolingo. etc.
MEETINGS: Getting to a meeting was my #1 priority. I found an in-person meeting whenever and wherever I could, it didn’t matter the time or place. And when I couldn’t get to a meeting in person, I listened to a virtual meeting with my camera off in the passenger seat.
SELF CARE: I did my best to not let get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired (H.A.L.T). I certainly had more than one meltdown because I forgot to HALT, but I was able to recognize it before it spiraled out of control. I made sure I slept enough. I took naps in the passenger seat. I took showers and I did my best to move my legs (but did not move them nearly enough, ouch).
STAY CONNECTED: I called fellow sober folks to stay plugged in, and to create a cohesive thread through all of the change. They were eager to hear from me, and I was eager not to lose my mind.
WHEN IN DOUBT, THE REMINDER: This grand adventure is a function of my sobriety, and it would not be happening if I were not sober.
REALITY CHECK: I will not arrive and thrive at my destination if I don’t stay sober. So I must do everything I can to stay sober.
HAVE FUN: I’M ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN. I DIDN’T GET SOBER TO BE BORING. THIS IS FUN.
CROSS-COUNTRY ROAD TRIP RECAP:
DAY 2: Moab, Utah.
there was only one meeting that day.
coming from Los Angeles where there are 203948320948 meetings a day, i was charmed. lightly frightened. but mostly charmed.
when we rolled into town, the altitude was hittin’ hard. i’ve never done well in high altitude, even when i visited colorado to compete at the World Arena Center in Colorado Springs every summer of my adolescence. no matter how rigorously i trained, mama’s not built for anything above sea level.
we checked into our motel. i felt myself getting hangry, so i left an hour before the meeting. drove through Wendy’s, got a four piece chicken nugget and medium fry. parked in the parking lot, then drove.
i clicked “DIRECTIONS” on the Meeting Finder App. Found myself pulling up to, what i can only describe as, a burnout spot. a red truck was parked, but seemingly long-ago abandoned. behind that, down a little slope, a beat-up, cigarette-burnt couch.
didn’t feel like a place for a meeting. i tried the address again.
i was then taken to a first-responder launch site.
again, didn’t feel right. but i wasn’t going to quit. i had to find this meeting, my sanity and my sobriety depended on it.
went back to the Meeting Finder App, and inputted the name of the Park into maps.
and finally, after parking next to a park where children were playing, i could see that there were people loitering under a vestibule.
i felt at home.
DAY 5: Rapid City, South Dakota.
when we checked into our hotel, the lobby was under construction. “Be careful not to lean on the elevator bank, we just painted it.” we could tell, the smell of paint assaulted us. when we got to the room, a shelf had collapsed and was laying in the bottom of our bathtub. a fire alarm went off. and quickly, we decided, this ain’t it.
trust your gut when the vibe is bad. there’s a reason your gut is telling you to run.
we walked to another hotel, and a guy was smoking crack outside the front door. when we walked up to the front desk, the woman working flashed her gums as she told us that our hotel was under constant renovation because of a persistent bug problem.
we were ready to pack up and drive five hours to Sioux Falls. my partner was ready to drive the full 9 hours to Saint Paul.
black and white thinking; it was Saint Paul or NOWHERE.
it was time to pause. where was the middle ground?
we found another place to stay in the middle of the night— more expensive, but certainly bug free. the bridal suite was given to us, complete with a whirl pool tub.
as sober people, we do not have to accept dysfunction— we can find better. we are no longer choosing the most extreme option. staying in a bug infested hotel or driving 9 hours in the middle of the night: we get to discover the happy medium.
HOWEVER. I DID FIND A MEETING.
Rapid City boasts way more meeting options, and so i felt at ease, picking something at random. but i also felt how easy it would be to walk into the hotel lobby bar and order a beer. i don’t usually play with that flame, but i wasn’t home. i wasn’t locked into my daily routine. anything was possible.
i picked a meeting. i walked to a church in the rain. there was a music festival going on right outside of our hotel, and i felt rage towards all the people drinking at the middle-aged cover band playing Blink 182.
but as soon as i saw the church, something lightened in my chest. through a window, i saw people, but i couldn’t figure out my way in. there is always that moment of panic, will i get in? will they let me in?
someone saw me, i waved. before my fears could fester, a door was opened for me.
and soon enough, the language of the heart showed me, as it has time and time again, the absurdity of my rage. if i could drink at a middle-aged cover band, i would. but history has shown where that ends (engaged to an anti-natalist, smoking bongs to the point of puking). so i got to spend time with a group of people who get it.
and immediately, i felt better.
DAY 8: Saint Paul, Minnesota.
a city with many meeting options, i pick one that was at a convenient time. i drive up to a club house, and am immediately greeted by men. all men. i am the only lady, seemingly, within a mile of this place. i feel a flash of fear, but then i remember: we are all here for the same reason.
a giant man starts telling me in a syrupy drawl that the big meeting is at twelve, but if i want i can lead. that they’re all just hanging out. but i can lead.
it’s been a few days since i’ve been an in person meeting, and i feel it. i’m not comfortable. virtual meetings don’t hit the same. i once heard someone say that virtual meetings are like power bars, but in person meetings are a full meal.
i was starving.
and so i swung into action, reading the daily reader handed to me.
over the course of the hour together, i would learn: these men had all been dropped off from a local recovery center. for some, it was their first meeting.
was it a clean cut meeting? absolutely not. but we all spoke about what we have in common: our desire to not drink or use. and that is the only cost for admission.
no matter where i go, no matter what meeting i find: i feel at home.
Again, thank you Caroline for asking me to contribute to SUMMER SOBER.
you can find more of my work at paulinapinsky.com, where you can sign up for writing coaching or download my new self-paced course, WRITING ABOUT HARD THINGS.
and if you love Substack and want to start your own? we can do it together. START YOUR OWN SUBSTACK will be happening this September, and i’d be honored to help you start your very own newsletter.
i am honored to share my experience moving cross-country with you, and i hope you’ll join the newly sober gang.
as always, i would LOVE to hear your thoughts/experiences/daily gratitude.
and please feel free to share this with anyone who needs some support.
Sending you love, Paulina! What an incredible life journey you are on. 🤍
Thank you for sharing this. I'm four months sober and never want to go back to that wayward life ❤️