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DAY 281
it’s been a while since i’ve done a list of 10 things keeping me sober, and i figured y’all needed a break from my 14 minute reads. i need a break from my fourteen minute reads. less is more, they say. gotta mix it up— keep ya on them tOES!
this week is a short(er) little diddy that can help you carry on your wayward, son.
10 THINGS KEEPING ME SOBER
ONE MEETING A DAY
for some people, this may be overkill/unimaginable. and before i got sober, the idea of doing anything every single day felt like entrapment. but now, i understand: my sobriety is dependent on my spiritual maintenance, and a daily recovery meeting helps with that a lot. of course, there are days when they don’t happen because i’m traveling or i’m busy or whatever else i tell myself— but those days are rare. because, much like forgetting to take my daily psychiatric medication that keeps my depression at bay, the effects are not immediate. but then, the next day, my brain feels like television static and i’m sensitive and so damn tired and i’m not sure why i feel kinda crazy, until suddenly, i realize: oh, i forgot to take my meds last night because i was galavanting in the woods without my phone, so i didn’t hear my daily alarm to remind me. then, i feel immediate relief because i identified the problem, and i know that if i keep taking my meds that i’ll feel fine soon enough. and so, i continue to take my medicine everyday.
when i skip meetings, i get crunchy: when i skip my medicine it makes me feel crazy. so, i take my medicine every day <3
CALL 3 SICKOS
this is yet another thing that, if i don’t do it every day, i feel the side effects of it later. i don’t know why the number is three— but when i call three sober alcoholics/ addicts and ask, “How are you?” and i listen— miraculously, i think less about myself. listening to someone talk about their stupid petty bullshit— or their very real shit— is a great way to get out of the rhythm of me, me, me.
i do try to call normie friends, too. but if i call a normie, i still have to get my three alchies/druggies/love addicts/someone from my former-fuck-up sober gang
SPONSOR
NEXT WEEK i am going to write my guide on how to pick a sponsor— this, of course, is only pertinent to those of us in twelve step programs. however, i do think you are who you hang out with, so this can be applied to mentors of any kinds. YOU ARE WHAT U EAT!
when i talk about sponsors, i like to say: this is a dating process in which you have to be more discerning than you are in your romantic life. i’ve dated so many crazies and dummies and and druggies and meanies and losers— i could NOT let my broken picker guide me when it came to my sobriety. in my first ninety days, i went through 5 different sponsors. i was goldie locks and the five alcoholics— i was discerning in a way that inadvertently raised my standards and taught me how to be more actively conscious in my dating life, by accident— but, you’ll hear about all that next week.
in short: it’s important to find the right sponsor.
i absolutely adore, admire, and treasure my sponsor. i have so much respect and deep love for her. she works a rigorous spiritual program, praying and meditating in the morning, going to one-to-two meetings daily, working with others and always of services— she truly lives in the sunlight of the spirit and she dresses so.damn.well. my sponsor has what i want— a lightness of being and a solid presence— so i do what she says. when i get •crunchy• ( irritable and discontent because i’m not working my program—“spiritually unwell”), she will say, “Can I say something?” and then she’ll call me out on my bullshit. she always follows up with, “You can tell me to go fuck myself!” but she always delivers the truth kindly and directly. and you know what? i fucking love it. i fucking love that she doesn’t pussy foot around my BS. i never say fuck you because fuck ME— i trust her. she calls it like she sees it and when she gives me a direction, i take it.
SLEEP/REST
SLEEP: i’ve always been a sleepy baby— childhood friends have horror stories of trying to wake me up the morning after a sleepover. methods used, but limited to: screaming; pushing; pulling off covers; screaming my name in my face; hammers lightly tapped on my skull; cups of water poured over head. i always slept in my bed— forcing friends to share or to sleep on something soft on the floor (read: brat). however, in sobriety, i have had to be even MORE protective over my sleep. because i was doing bong rips and vomiting from said bong rips daily for most of 2020 and 2021, i developed severe esophagitis. i was told a year and a half before getting sober, to not consume: coffee, alcohol, chocolate, citrus, spice, or to smoke. i didn’t drink coffee… but that was about it. no citrus or spice was easy enough. so, when i got sober, my acid reflux was insane and the tube leading to my mouth was in shreds. so, i don’t drink coffee (except lol that’s not true i did today— oops) i’m tired always. and i usually take at least one nap a day, if not two.
8-9 HOURS OR BUST. IT IS INSANE BUT I DO IT BECAUSE I MUST.
REST: i am actively learning how to rest. i am a life-long chronic workhorse— a go, go, GO'er, and for the first 9 months of sobriety, i only had one day of the weekend free. now, i have two days FREE in a ROW, and i really am trying to be intentional about slowing down. Julia Cameron likes to say: WORKAHOLISM IS A BLOCK, NOT A BUILDING BLOCK. And so, when i try to shove crumbs of work into my weekend days, i have to remember that my battery won’t charge fully if i’m plugging shit into it, sucking it dry. taking time to do nothing, to do gentle, nourishing acts is instrumental to being able to go pedal to the metal on week days. still learning.
REST THINGS I DO:
NAPS
READ IN BED
READ OUTSIDE
WATCH TV ON A COUCH
BUY GROCERIES
EAT FOOD
SMILE
PET MY CAT
YOGA
PUT MY PHONE ON FOCUS MODE AND IGNORE PEOPLE
SIT IN THE SUN
(please comment with things you do to rest because i need input and help!)
STICK WITH THE WINN-AHS
as an old timer, who is originally from Boston, in my home group says, “You all are winn-ahs, and I stick with the winn-ahs!”
YOU ARE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP
this is a big one. i’ve said it 23094234 million times, but when i first got sober, i had a friend who was all, “babe, are you sure you want to do this? you tend to throw yourself into things prematurely,” and basically connoted that me getting sober made her worried for me. i think this was a valuable lesson, six days into my sobriety, but also maybe a resentment that i need to work through. even so, i’m glad it happened because it showed me:
people who were my “friends” while i was smoking were no long safe friends
people who drink and use get/ actively have problems with substances are weirded out by people who don’t drink and use.
“friends” being shitty sucks.
i’ve reconnected with childhood friends, animal friends, sober friends, new friends, baby friends— people who celebrate the fact that i am doing the work and that i show up sober and fully. this past Saturday was my childhood best friend’s 30th birthday party, and she asked us to “dress for mourning”, and so i showed up in black and ate truffle pasta and grapes from the charcuterie board and asked a table full of lawyers, “What’s your favorite color?” because sober or not, your experience is of your own design. and now, i get to bring the fun without getting blotto-ed and making out with someone before vomiting in the sink.
don’t be afraid to put yourself first. don’t be afraid to take distance from someone when you need it. if you think that person warrants an explanation, do so thoughtfully. but if you are unable to give it or they are unable to receive it— take care of yourself first.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU ATTRACT, WHETHER YOU MEAN TO ATTRACT IT OR NOT. GOOD THINGS COME WHEN U R GOOD TO PEOPLE AND U KEEP GOOD PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
GRATITUDE IS AN ATTITUDE
i write daily gratitude lists: i send one over text to an old muscle gay who gave me my big book and my sober family over email. it’s important to practice gratitude because gratitude is a practice. i exercise my gratitude muscle so i can get strong.
READ/ EAT BOOKS
it is not secret that i am a big reader. in grad school, i chugged a book a week. trying to get back into my reading discipline again, but here are some books that shook me to my core and feel like MANDATORY reading for all:
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King
The Recovering: Intoxication and Its Aftermath by Leslie Jamison
The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by Dalai Lamai and Archbishop Desmond Tutu
Hysterical: A Memoir by Elissa Bassist
(Actually going to be in conversation with Elissa tonight at the Pasadena Vroman’s at 7 PM *TONIGHT* to discuss her comedic memoir. If you are local, COME! WOULD LOVE TO MEET U!)
TURNING IT OVER
uh oh, G-d has entered the chat
god is everything or god is nothing. i choose everything.
i marvel.
god is not a man in the sky.
when i think i have it figured out or that i can control of a situation or an outcome, i am always sorely disappointed and put in my place
when in doubt, i pray to Elvis or my dead grandparents
i believe in an intelligent universe that is working in my favor, granting me things that i can’t grant myself (like *ahem* traumatically flinging me into sobriety).
as Julia Cameron says, “Jump, and the net will appear.” i jump, jump, jump. and land.
Rejection is God’s Protection <3
MUSIC
i’ve always struggled with listening to music. it always takes me multiple listens to really hear a song. once for the beat, another to listen to the lyrics while reading the lyrics, another than another. when i started antidepressants in 2017, i found that i could hear music in a whole new way. i think that’s why i always loved Elvis as a kid (& beyond)— simple rhythm and easy lyrics. they stuck in my head. but now, in sobriety, i can hear a song and hear the words. this morning, in the car, i started literally dancing. music moves me now— i’m present enough to feel it.
a playlist that is pulling me through
WRITING
i do my morning pages every morning. three pages stream of consciousness, fifteen minutes. i blurt out what’s in my head: i write down my weird ass dreams or i meditate about the concept of god/high power or i complain about being awake. this is foundational to the Artist’s Way, and yet another thing i have to do to feel normal. i haven’t been giving myself the time to do it, so i’ve been skimping— and i feel it! i journal nightly, a notebook propped in bed, documenting the day. then i write a list of things i’m grateful for and prayers.
THIS NEWSLETTER! this is my primary creative outlet right now, and i’m so thankful for it. having the weekly deadline is keeping me engaged in my writing process, in addition to keeping me focused on my sobriety. i created this newsletter because i needed to read about early sobriety, and so i hope you have found it helpful— this newsletter has been so instrumental in my recovery, you have no idea.
anyways, there it is. hope this was helpful/informative/reprieve from the narrative of my life. PRACTICAL LIFE TIPS, BABY!
as always, like, comment, and subscribe! share! do whatever feels right! thank you for whatever moves you!
your feedback helps. i do genuinely want to hear from you.
thank you for reading. i cherish the opportunity to write this, and i am so thankful that anyone is subscribed and reads at all.
until next week!
xoxo,
PAULINA
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