thank you for subscribing to newly sober. in 2023, i am going to change the structure of this newsletter. paid subscribers will continue to have access to my live day count and reflections. HOWEVER starting in January, i am going to spend the year reflecting on what it was like in the early days— before i started this newsletter. bi-weekly, i will write from day 1 onward, including an auditory element ( A *PODCAST* ) so you can choose to read or listen (or read AND listen).
this project has been instrumental in my sobriety. if you are willing and able, a paid subscription will help facilitate more writing by myself, guest writers, in addition to support in producing a high-quality podcast. PLUS! MERRY CHRIMBO ! HAPPY CHANUKAH ! OFFERING A DISCOUNTED RATE!
regardless of whether or not you are able to support this venture financially, it is an honor and a privilege that you are here. may we all live our lives, one day at a time.
without further ado….
i am one year sober.
honestly? surreal.
it is not lost on me that my first day of true sobriety, December 22, 2021, was the day after the winter solstice— the longest, darkest night of the year.
i wish that had been intentional. it was not.
it also happens to be my mother’s natal birthday (HAPPY BDAY MA!)
365 days later, i am so far from the girl who came back into her parents’ house, shoulders hunched up to her ears and eyes un-blinking. as soon as my mom opened the front door, i fell to my hands and knees, my mom just saying, “Oh, honey,” as i howled on all fours. my next memory takes place on the kitchen floor, my brother’s girlfriend Czarina handing me a couch pillow to hold onto, unable to blink or think or articulate what had just happened. my whole family stood over me. the engagement ring was off my finger.
and i haven’t looked back since.
i feel a lot of different things. but the resounding thought is: i will never again put myself in the position i was in a year ago today. i do not allow the treatment that had become routine. i now hear my body when things are off, wrong. i was too stoned to hear my intuition or the soft impulse, run. i no longer stay in things that do not work. i no longer betray myself to keep someone else happy. and i now know: if getting engaged makes you think about death every day, you shouldn’t stay engaged.
each of the three weddings i’ve attended this year, i find myself sobbing a *little* too hard; overwhelmed with gratitude; thankful that i am not the one on the altar.
over and over and over again, i feel gratitude. i am no longer frozen, and i remember it all. i am so thankful i chose the unknown. change.
it continues to hit me in waves— the contrast of who i once was and who i am becoming, the grief.
but i do want to say this:
sobriety is the craziest psychedelic i have ever done
your friends will tell you that they were wrong for you after you break up— but their body language will tell you so now
avoiding feelings never keeps them away— they’ll just come up in weird, worse ways
connection is the opposite of addiction— i could not have done this alone
which is why i wanted to interview my dad. he was the first person who suggested i check out the rooms. and he was the one i called on New Year’s Eve when i cried so hard i threw up in my mouth, suggesting that maybe my emotions were not right-sized (they were not. it pissed me off that he said that, but he was not wrong.)
new year, new me
this first year of sobriety has been clarifying, and one thing was clear: i need to take myself as seriously as i take my sobriety.
cue: R E B R A N D
i have had the good fortune of working with Elisabeth Wallers, who is helping me re-invent my business, my branding (NEW LOGOS DID U NOTICE?!) , and my website. if you are a female entrepreneur in need of a business make-over, i can’t recommend her enough.
my *brand new* website is coming soon *but for now, we all get the privilege of peeping at my manic art-school website from 2017*
i am gearing up to lead the Artist’s Way January-March 2023.
starting January 8th, we will meet once a week for twelve weeks straight as we work our way through Julia Cameron’s Spiritual Workbook, “The Artist’s Way”.
i will be doing alongside you, too!
you will meet incredible, like-minded people, unearth your deepest desires, and take steps towards realizing your creative dreams and ambitions!
i am holding two groups:
Sunday January 8 - March 30 at 11:00 AM PT/ 2:00 PM ET
Monday January 9 - May 1 at 3:00 PM PT/ 6:00 PM ET
*tentatively might add a women’s group if there is enough interest! Monday Nights 5:00 PM PT/ 8:00 PM ET
take a leap of faith:
about six months ago i thought it would be fun to interview my dad about my sobriety when i hit a year. insanity? probably. but he’s bore witness to the entire process, and it’s been a gift to have him by my side.
Mining the Miracles: Interview with Dr. Dad Drew
i met Drew Pinsky the day i was born. i don’t remember it. but photos reveal that he was in teal scrubs and he hovered over my mother, as they sliced her open and pulled us out, one-two-three. throughout my childhood, he worked non-stop— hospital, rehab, radio— showing what an insane work-ethic looks like. however, he did drive us to school every day, teaching us the value of our education. in high school, he told my brothers and me that if he found out we were at parties where there was underage drinking— or worse, adults serving minors— he would call the police. he was always very vocal about the fact that when you start using, your brain stops developing. this, of course, kept me from getting invited to parties. not only because he came to my school to talk to us about drugs, but also because i regurgitated what i heard at home. but don’t worry— i made up for lost time. went so hard that now, i am retired.
when we were in Costa-Rica in the third grade, my brothers and I were trying to make each other laugh. not one joke was landing. there was a wrought-iron candle holder in the center of the table shaped like a monkey. he stopped us all and said, “Listen, just point out what is true. See:” pointing to the tail of the monkey, he said, “Monkey…” then his finger slid down its tail, landing at the epicenter of humor: “Monkey butthole.”
we absolutely lost our shit. to this day, that is the moment that i learned that saying the truth is funny. but also, so is the word butthole.
PP: Welcome to Newly Sober, except I'm not so newly sober— I guess I'm still newly sober because it's less than five years, and I've heard people say that the first five years are when you're newly sober, which to anybody who's not sober sounds crazy, cuz five years sober seems like such a long time. But now that I'm a year sober, it's really not that much time. But I can say that I've changed a lot since this time last year. So I just wanted to interview my dad about what he's witnessed in my sobriety, and also to maybe laugh at things that were deeply painful, <laugh>, because that's how I cope with things. So, without further ado, dad, welcome to Newly Sober.
Dad: Thank you so much. Congratulations. Big deal. Thank you. Happy birthday. Um, you know, there's sort of nothing bigger than the first year though. Even though it's not long-term sobriety, it's sort of the big deal because it means you're in, it means you're really there. And some people sort of do a year out of resentment or just to prove a point. But if you're actually in the program for a year, you're in. People look back on that first year and they just almost inevitably go, “Ooh, I wasn't so great at three months or six months.” Same thing's happened with the second year <laugh>. The second year people look back at the second year and go, “Ooh, I thought I was only bad in year one.” But really 1, 3, 5, 7, 10. These are the big numbers. And so, congratulations.
PP: Thank you. Yeah. Well, one of the things I pulled out: early on in my sobriety, I asked you to write a letter to me.
Dad: mm-hmm.<affirmative>
PP: And I, well, it does feel personal now that I'm opening it. <laugh>. But, if you're willing to read it—
Dad: I would be willing to, I would read it.
PP: We’ll highlight it. There’s some personal stuff that only belongs to me, his daughter.
Dad: Yeah. And then there’re some keys to mining the miracles.
PP: I just wanna say that who I was at this point last year is so different than I thought possible. Like, really. They say that— I'm in 12 step program and they say, you know, the 12 steps lead to a spiritual awakening. And I'm someone who had a spiritual awakening, crash-landed at home, and then found my way to the rooms. So that's been instrumental in my sobriety. But I also think that I was really lucky that I had you in my corner because I did not know what the hell I was doing. So these (tips in the letter) were helpful insights in the first 30 days. They are good <laugh>.
Dad: Yeah, they're really good ones.
Dad: After I gave a personal message, then I said— “Now here's some things to keep in mind:”
Keep sobriety and and your step work as you #1 priority (especially these first 90 days)
Dad: The hardest thing at the beginning is keeping sobriety as a priority. So that's why I said keep sobriety, your step work as your number one priority, especially the first 90 days, which you did.
PP: Mm-hmm. <affirmative>.
Dad: It was remarkable. I mean, you did. People don't normally do that. <laugh>. I'm telling you, that was remarkable. I mean, especially going to meetings on Christmas Day and stuff like that. That's like—
PP: My first one was Christmas Eve. My first meeting was Christmas Eve.
Dad: I, I just, that's remarkable. So I knew something was going on when you did that then.
Do not fret when the Pink Cloud subsides (and maybe it won’t!) because hard work yields big dividends
Dad: I noticed when I was writing this, you were kind of on a Pink Cloud <laugh>, and I just didn't want you to crash after that and lose faith in everything. Do you remember that?
PP: Oh, I absolutely remember the Pink Cloud. I was like, WOW! Being sober is great! I'll never feel bad AGAIN! And I was wrong about that. Bad feelings are not for me. I've never felt a bad feeling in my life. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, who knew?
Dad: Oh my God, that's so funny. All right. So, was that helpful? Because that was something you wouldn’t normally find in advice like this.
PP: Mm-hmm. <affirmative> You were the first person who told me about Pink Clouds.
Dad: Uh, you mentioned something before I brought it up.
PP: Did I?
Dad: Yeah. You said something about it, cause I think somebody else must have brought it up to you in the rooms. And so I kind of emphasized it because you can kind of see it happening. I think that's good— the whole thing, to not freak out when the Pink Cloud ends. Well, that's what I was worried about, you know? And maybe it won't, maybe it will.
PP: (It did) (I looked at him like, ?? maybe it will???)
Dad: I know. I always say that to people [ maybe it won't, maybe it will ] because they're like, “No, no, I'm ever gonna feel bad again! Or if I do feel bad, I'm gonna use anyways.” So I'm like, this could happen forever. I've seen it rarely kind of drag on, but it doesn't go on forever.
PP: Well, but you wrote, the hard work yields big dividends, which is so true. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Pink Clouds DEFINITELY do end— but a deeper joy takes its place, so don’t fear its inevitable end— a much stabler good feeling is coming.)
Dad: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It does.
Be willing to become whom you are meant to be (trust the process)
Dad: This is the other part that I thought was good. You sort of opened your little thing tonight with that, which is you have to— for success in any therapeutic process— you have to let go of the fear of change and be willing to become whatever you are, whatever you're supposed to be. And your body and your brain resists that like crazy. Because when we actually change our internal landscape, it's like dying.
PP: Mm-hmm. <affirmative>.
Dad: There’s a grief that goes with it. And grief is the thing we avoid more than anything as humans. And so you have to really work on being willing. Did that resonate?
PP: You know, it's funny because when I read this, I think at the time…
Dad: You didn't know what I was talking about.
PP: No. <laugh> Absolutely not. Like I think I could probably hear the first two, and I think because I came in so desperate, I had nothing else to do (so I made sobriety #1).
Dad: Right.
PP: Like, I was fortunate in that I was able to come home, that I didn't have to worry about my rent. I mean, I did have to go back to New York 30 days in and deal with that mess. And that was its own nightmare.
Dad: Yeah.
PP: But I understood that I had to be willing to become who I was meant to become.
Dad: Mm-hmm.
PP: Because I now see that. I heard someone say [ TBD ] that your bottom is when you're farthest from who you're meant to become.
Dad: Mm-hmm.
PP: And I think, you know, having a panic attack in an Alabama gas station and then projectile vomiting and having diarrhea after the panic attack and then having another panic attack was really far from the life I would dreamed of for myself.
Dad: Maybe something you won't share with such great clarity <laugh>
PP: <laugh> Listen, the people need to know. <laugh> Your bottom is when you're spewing out both ends and panicking.
PP: I think I feel that more wholeheartedly now that like it’s a hard thing to get until you've experienced it.
Dad: Yeah.
PP: You know?
Dad: And so, that's what the second year's all about. So be ready.
PP: Uh-huh… <laugh>.
Look for the God Shots and form a group of sober peers
Dad: Then I wanted to say positive. So I know the crazy miracles that happened in recovery.
PP: Yeah.
Dad: The other thing is people are always in a hurry.
Take it slow. “Slowbriety”. Real change takes time and patience
Dad: That's called the flee to health. The flight to health. But you were on that flight full force. <laugh>.
PP: <laugh>.
Dad: The brain changes so slowly.
Don’t make major decisions
Dad: Yeah. Don't make major decisions. How about that one?
PP: <laugh>? Well, I don't know. Did I make any major decisions? No, dunno. It's like, maybe when you—
Dad: Let's just table it.
PP: okay *starting to ruminate*
Dad: Wait, let's see that one.
Check out your thinking and intentions with your sponsor
Dad: You were really good about that one.
PP: Yeah.
Dad: Most people are not that good about that either.
PP: Yeah.
Dad:
Don’t rush but don’t avoid 4th/5th Steps
PP: Yeah. [*stopped listening a while ago*] I feel like I haven't made any major decisions. I'm still living at home.
Dad: Um
PP: <laugh>, you're like, “Actually…”
Dad: Just, you'll just think about it.
PP: Uh-oh, wait. [*panic*] Do you think I've made a major decision about?
Dad: I'm not, no, no, no. I don't think it's my place. I really think that this is more in that zone of making change on your own. And part of the big parts about change is looking at yourself from a new place. Once you grow to that new place, you look back and go, "h yeah, those are major decisions. <laugh>, I shouldn't have done that. Or maybe that wasn't a great idea, but whatever. Don't worry about it. It's not important. What's important is that you keep growing and then look back and reconsider stuff. Maybe or maybe not.
PP: Well, I think starting this newsletter was a major decision.
Dad: Okay. Well, there's one. And I'm not saying all major decisions are wrong or bad, it's just there, you know, I don’t know.
PP: Now I'm like, what major decisions were made?
Dad: Don't do it. Don't do that. <laugh> Don't do it. That's the disease looking for something to hook onto.
PP: <laugh> See, this is the beautiful gift of having your father be an addictionologist. It's like playing a game of chess. He's three moves ahead of you and you're like, “Oh, I think I have it all figured out”. And then he looks at the chess board and he goes, “Okay.”
Dad: <laugh>. Yeah. I mean, but I see what you're trying to do there.
Dad: Specifically what I'm trying to do is not make this a cognitive process. So I'm not trying to teach you something. Here's what you need. Here's the x y and here's the rules of the game.
PP: Yeah.
Dad: Not a cognitive process. And I want you to have the door open to growth without anybody else involved. <laugh>, it's you and your growth.
Dad: I mean, in the sense of your parents, you feeling judged or whatever it is.
PP: Yeah.
Dad: Whatever it is, it's gotta come internally. But the really interesting stuff comes now though, when you start growing and changing and your perceptions change. You ever read the book “A New Pair of Glasses”?
PP: I’ve heard about it a lot.
Dad: Yeah. You're looking through a new pair of glasses.
PP: Yeah.
Dad: And things look different. That's all.
PP: Well, I feel like my brain has healed a lot.
Dad: Oh yeah.
PP: I didn't recognize how much literal damage I was doing to my biology.
Dad: Yeah.
PP: I feel like my gray matter is growing back.
Dad: Yep. That's what happened. That's, that's literally, that's literally what happened.
QUICK RECAP: KEYS TO MINING THE MIRACLES
Keep sobriety and and your step work as you #1 priority (especially these first 90 days).
Do not fret when the Pink Cloud subsides (and maybe it won’t!) because the hard work yields big dividends.
Be willing to become whom you are meant to be (trust the process).
Look for the God Shots and form a group of sober peers.
Take it slow. “Slowbriety”. Real change takes time and patience.
Don’t make major decisions.
Check out your thinking and intentions with your sponsor.
Don’t rush but don’t avoid 4th/5th Steps.
i started this newsletter in early sobriety because i couldn’t find writing about early sobriety by people in early sobriety. all of the sober memoir writing was from five years out. deep in the trenches, i wanted to hear that shit L I V E— not from the safely processed place. but now i understand why it don’t exist: getting sober is a process, and we are bonkers.
truly, my brain was mush for at least the first six months, if not longer.
which is why in the new year, i want to re-process my first year— the first few days, when i was frozen in fear and couldn’t even write by hand. not only because i would like to review that period of time, but because i am ready.
i hope you are too.
thank you for coming along for this journey, i am so thankful to have met. no matter if you’re newly sober or not, i am thankful you are here.
couldn’t have done this without you
p.s. don’t forget to subscribe, like, share, comment, cry !!
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