so you wanna get sober

a How To Guide full of suggestions you don't have to take

Feb 23, 2024

so you wanna get sober.

you’ve been thinking about it, but it seems hard and you’re not sure where to start. you can’t imagine being sober for the rest of your life, but you’ve witnessed how other people drink or use drugs, and they don’t use ‘em like you. something changes when you drink or smoke or snort. a flip is switched and what comes next… is unpredictable.

other people can hold jobs and have relationships and achieve goals. meanwhile, you feel stuck. unable to not scratch the itch— there hasn’t been a day in which you’ve NOT done it. drank, smoked, snorted, shot up.

i know for me, i couldn’t get past 11 am without taking a bong rip. every morning was a battle: if i smoke i know i won’t write but i can’t write until i smoke. inevitably, i’d smoke. inevitably, i wouldn’t write. inevitably, i’d be in the bathtub at 11 am on a weekday, unable to do anything but be high in the tub.

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we drink and use because we like the effect produced by drugs and/or alcohol.

but it’s like they say: magic, medicine, misery.

or fun, fun with problems, then just problems.

the first time i got stoned, it allowed me to enjoy being alone. from that first day forward, i couldn’t get through a day without it. it wasn’t long before i started bailing on plans, isolating in my apartment to smoke. after five years of daily use, i was vomiting after every bong or dab rip, forgetting i vomited because i was so stoned, stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship because i had a means of dissociating through all of my discomfort.

i thought i was exercising my agency by using drugs, when in fact i was killing my drive. the very thing that made me feel unique and powerful was slowly killing my potential for a life.

and so, i gave up everything for that one thing: getting high.

and today, i gave up that one thing to get back everything.

it’s true, there was a time in which it was fun. but you’re not here because it’s fun anymore. in fact, it hasn’t been fun for a very long time.

here are suggestions i would give to my closest friend in need of a little support.

Gentle Suggestions: How To Get Sober

It may feel like the end of your life, but this is just the beginning.
1. i am so sorry that you are in pain, i am so sorry things feel hopeless. i know you are scared. i know the pain and the suffering of being trapped in the cycle of addiction. but i promise you, it will get better.
2. by surrendering your ability to drink or use, you are giving way to something even bigger and better. i can’t tell you what, but i know it’s coming for you. it came for me. it may be hard to see today, but giving up is the only way to win this battle.
3. you do not have to keep suffering. your bottom is when you stop digging.
Be open to suggestion.
1. maybe you don’t have all the answers. maybe that is okay.
2. your old way of life isn’t working anymore. it’s time to try something new.
3. listen to other people who have what you want. even if you don’t want to do what sober people suggest, don’t be afraid to say YES even if you’re mind is screaming NO.
You don’t have to drink or use again.
1. it may feel like you “have to”, but you do not. no one is forcing you.
2. the obsession to drink or use will not last forever.
  1. i know, there may be a hamster wheel in your brain still whirring, driving you towards the very thing you wish to quit.
  2. it is easier to stay stopped than to stop: do not feed the hamster. each day sober is starving out that hamster a little more. with each day sober, the obsession/fixation to drink or use will slowly quiet down.
    1. every time you feed the hamster, the wheel turns.
    2. anything can be an excuse to use or drink. so don’t let there be any reason to. remember: you don’t have to drink or use ever again.
Build your support system.
1. this is the team of people that is invested in your sobriety and will do anything and everything to help support you.
  1. this can be a therapist and a psychiatrist. this can be a local church group. this can be a sponsor and 12-step meetings.
2. if you are open to twelve step meetings: 90 meetings in 90 days
  1. 12 step programs got me (and keep me) sober. it is a free global resource that works if you work it. Google “AA meetings near me” and i am sure 230948230498 will pop up. if not locally? online.
  2. find out that meetings are not for you rather than assuming it’s not for you. if you don’t like the first? try 4 more.
  3. if 90 meetings in 90 days sounds insane? try 30 in 30. daily action is required to change a habit, so why not get support through the duration of that change? it’s an hour a day— and you can even do meetings on zoom! (though, i recommend in person: there’s a special magic in live rooms)
  4. look for the similarities, not the differences. addiction/alcoholism is a thinking disease. alcoholics and addicts are selfish people (i know because i am one) who think they’re terminally unique (read: terminal). isolation helps no one: hearing other people speak helps you to step outside of yourself. you’ll realize you’re just like everyone else. you are not alone.
Find your sober allies.
1. confide in your closest confidants. tell at least one other person in your life about your choice to get sober. these are trusted friends you can call when you feel a craving coming on or just need to cry about your feelings.
  1. if you don’t have anyone in mind, online support groups like the Phoenix and 12 step programs are great places to meet new people whose values align with you— be open to them.
2. your relationships may change. not everyone is going to be supportive.
  1. if people aren’t supportive, don’t go to them for support. people show us who they are, it’s our job to believe them.
3. people’s reactions to your sobriety is ALWAYS about their insecurities. do not let them deter your endeavor.
  1. when i first got sober, i had a “good” “friend” DM me:“Hey babe, are you sure you want to do this? You tend to throw yourself into things quickly…” she had read Quit Like A Woman and was wary of 12 step. she was also probably stoned when she sent that message. nonetheless, i was flabbergasted and hurt. i was finally doing something good for myself, and she was questioning my decision to get sober? felt insane to me. but now i can see clearly: “friends'“ that i smoked weed and drank with weren’t going to support me quitting. our means of connection was no longer viable.
Which one are you? H.A.L.T: Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely, Tired.
1. if you’re feeling unhinged, HALT. Pause and ask yourself: “Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?”
2. this acronym got me through early sobriety (and every single day). when i feel insane, i still pause and shout HALT at least four times a day. i’m usually hungry or tired.
3. getting sober is the process of getting acquainted with how you ACTUALLY feel: learn how to listen to your body. failing to address your physical condition can lead to relapse. sometimes a freak out can be solved by eating a snack.
  1. Hungry: eat a nourishing meal. a bar of chocolate. whatever you’re craving, go off. as long as it’s not a mind-altering substance, eat up. you can worry about your weight in year two.
  2. Angry: punch a pillow. write it out. scream alone in your car. call a friend who can receive your rant. BE SURE to ask first, “Do you have space to hear me rant?” don’t just fire off. go on a run. take a kickboxing class. get your ya-ya’s out.
  3. Anxious: take a deep breath. meditate. make sure you ate because you might just be hungry. call a trusted friend. talk to a therapist. write in your journal.
  4. Lonely: call a friend. ask a friend to go to dinner or a movie. go to a meeting. go to a local coffee shop. call your mom.
  5. Tired: nap. relax on the couch. meditate. take as many naps as you need. you are not lazy— you’re detoxing. my whole first year, i took 1-3 naps a day. it takes 6 months for THC to detox fully from your body— give your brain the space and time to heal. rest.
FEEL your FEELings.
1. for the duration of your use, you have been a master manipulator: you have been able to alter your mood or feelings on a whim. now, you can’t. welcome to feeling everything you’ve been avoiding!
2. you are volcano finally rendered active— all those stuffed down feelings and memories are about to blow up. make space for it. your job is to learn the contour of each emotion. it’s uncomfortable— approach it with curiosity.
3. feeling a feeling isn’t a good excuse to use. welcome to the fellowship of humanity— it can be uncomfortable, but it also can be incredibly beautiful.
  1. when you start getting self-pitying, call someone. go to a meeting. get into action, and out of self.
Know/Discover your Triggers. Avoid them.
1. does calling mom make you want to drink? do parties make you wanna do coke? notice what makes you feel like you are going to use, then avoid them.
  1. you will not have to avoid them forever. but in the beginning, it’s a good idea to protect yourself and your sobriety. your brain is as old as you were when you started using. treat yourself like you are that age.
  2. you don’t have to go: you don’t have to go to the birthday party at a bar. you don’t have to go to family dinner. you don’t have to see that ex-boyfriend at 11 pm.
  3. there will come a time when you can face your triggers, but now is not that time.
Slips are just Slips if you don’t let them turn into Full-Blown Relapse
1. sobriety is a whole new habit. your brain is wired to compulsively use your drug of choice. there may be slip-ups. but you don’t have to give into it. you can start over. you can always get back on the metaphorical horse. the hamster got fed today, but just this once. you can continue to choose to feed your own soul instead of the hamster on the hamster wheel. you can always do better tomorrow.
2. according to some random website i found, “Relapse rates for substance use addictions are around 40% to 60%.” it is hard to break this habit! it happens a lot!
3. remember: each time you use, the obsession to use gets re-triggered.
4. if you slip, call your trusted network. your team and your sober allies are here for you. it’s not over, tomorrow is always a new day. you can get back on track. you are not a failure. you are not alone. your brain is wired to use, you just have to keep up this new way of life to teach your brain a new way of being.
Anything you put before your sobriety you will lose.
1. sobriety has facilitated a life beyond my conception. when i was thirty days sober, i never thought i’d get here.
2. my daily maintenance: first thing, i wake up and read recovery literature. i do morning pages (three pages stream of consciousness), and if i wake up early enough, i meditate for a few minutes. i write a gratitude list and do an inventory daily. my whole life is geared towards being of service to others, in both my sobriety and my made up jobs. i go to 4-6 meetings a week. i have service commitments. i have a sponsor and i have sponsees. i calls sober ladies every day (for the most part).
  1. i do all of this to stay sober. i do not do it for money, power, or prestige— heck, i don’t do it for any sense of glory. i do it because i don’t know any other way to be sober. and i love being sober, and i don’t want to lose this precious gift.
  2. not everyone gets the opportunity to get sober. shit got REALLY BAD and i was granted the gift of desperation, which made me open to suggestion. but not everyone gets that gift. some of us have to fight, minute by minute. i refuse to lose this precious gift.
3. i don’t have a million dollars and i don’t own a home. but i wake up each day next to a partner i love in an apartment i rent. i do work that is deeply meaningful to me, and i can cover all my bills. i have friends i deeply trust, and i really don’t allow crazy makers into my orbit. i protect myself and those i love. i feel spiritually motivated to do better every day. and that is only because i am sober. prior to sobriety, i was self-abandoning and self-destructive. now, i notice when i slip into those old patterns, and i self correct. i am not perfect, but i take daily action to keep what i’ve been given.
  1. my disease is still doing push-ups in the parking lot. i have to work daily to stay sober because if i let down my guard, i might lose it all. i can’t risk that. i don’t want to go back to life before.
Take it 24 hours at a time.
1. you don’t have to know if you’re going to stay sober for your whole life. you only have to stay sober today.
2. if 24 hours feels unfathomable, take it minute by minute. second by second.
3. YOUR GOAL FOR TODAY: hit your sober head on your sober pillow.
  1. then, wake up and try again tomorrow. but you don’t have to worry about that until tomorrow.
4. Repeat #1: You never have to drink or use again. Really. It’s true. you never have to.
  1. no one has ever died from feeling a feeling.
  2. eat chocolate; masturbate; go swimming; nap; go to a meeting; go to another meeting; scream cry; call a friend; remember things you used to love to do but never do anymore because you have been drinking or drugging too much, then do them; do anything that isn’t drinking or doing drugs.
  3. remember that you are worthy of love and respect no matter how today unfolds.

so you wanna get sober

a How To Guide full of suggestions you don't have to take

so you wanna get sober.

but it’s like they say: magic, medicine, misery.

Gentle Suggestions: How To Get Sober

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